The Roller Coaster Ride Continues

As I watch the BYU v. UW game, which has proven to be a great game, my mind is elsewhere. All week, my mind has been elsewhere. Adoption. Our good friends, Eric and Natalie Christensen, have adopted twice and are awaiting their third child via adoption. A ward member and friend of Natalie's, upon learning she was going to adopt, said to her, "Adoption, eh? So, you are taking the easy way out?" Yeah, right. Of course, Natalie recognized that sometimes good people say stupid things and it is obvious that this good, but ignorant person has never struggled with infertility or traveled the roller coaster ride that is adoption.

I have had several friends who have adopted or dealt with the frustrating issue of infertility. Each of them have dealt with these experiences in different ways. I recently shared my thoughts and feelings in sacrament meeting regarding trials and how I have dealt with them. One important life principle I have always believed in is, You Control Your Attitude...Regardless! As has proven to be the case with infertility and adoption, there are trials and situations in life that we have little to no control over, but you always have control of how you choose to react to these trials and situations and you most definitely have control over your attitude.

Just as soon as these words were uttered over the pulpit, I immediately knew I had just challenged the powers that be, (Heavenly Father, fate, etc.) and that I would soon be tested further. This quickly proved to be true. We have been calling Nicole for the last couple days, but have been unable to speak to her. Her phone just rang and rang and rang. She does not have an answering service, so this is not uncommon, but typically, she will call us back the same day or the day after. Her case worker contacted us Monday and expressed concern that she and the agency in Utah have been unable to contact her either. On Tuesday, her phone was disconnected. She is due in five weeks and we have not yet arranged her travel plans to Utah. It has now been two weeks since we have seen or spoken to her. I am seriously nervous and stressed.

Understand, I am not the Superman of Attitude. I too am susceptible to the Kryptonite of negative thought or frustration. Sometimes I choose to succumb to these feelings and spend time wallowing in my misery. I think everyone does. As a matter of fact, I am doing so a bit now. My first thoughts of concern are always and immediately for Sarah. I never want anything to hurt her, physically or emotionally. My immediate feelings are to hide my struggle to maintain a positive attitude in order to protect Sarah and secondly to remain optimistic that things will be okay. Sarah has been great. She is nervous too. I can tell. She has still managed to remain optimistic and not allow the uncontrollable situation to bring her down. Sarah, I love you. She is a strong person and I don't give her enough credit. Maybe she doesn't need my protection as much as I think.

So, the roller coaster ride continues ~ Infertility ~ Passing Time ~ Struggle with LDS Family Services ~ Passing Time ~ Resolutions with LDS Family Services ~ Passing Time ~ Changing Agencies and Finding Nicole ~ Passing Time ~ Meeting Nicole ~ Passing Time ~ Nicole MIA ~ Passing Time ~ What will the next chapter be? Who knows. In the meantime, we need to find a way to maintain that positive attitude that I have always prided myself in. It simply is hard to do. I think it is most difficult when someone other than yourself is in total control. It just isn't enough to remind yourself that "Things will happen as they may" or "Everything happens for a reason". These are easy answers after the fact, but when it is all you have before the fact...it just doesn't work as a long term solution. It just isn't enough.

I am so very grateful for the many people that have given us their love, support and genuine concern. Our families, friends, neighbors, ward members, Bishop, employees, bosses, etc. Mostly I am grateful for my wife. I hope in the near future I can tell you how grateful I am for Nicole. For now, I need to leave it in the hands of my Heavenly Father. I am extremely grateful for Him. I am mindful of his hand in my life. While I am unsure why He feels we must experience these trials, I am certain I will come from the Refiner's fire as a stronger person. I will maintain a positive attitude. I am stubborn when I make my mind up to be so. None the less, we could use your prayers. I am sure Nicole could too.

Sorry to be so personal. I have used this blog as my journal, but I don't publish everything I write. Typically, if I get too personal, I simply blog and save the entry as a draft. This time, with Nicole's due date upon us and so many family and friends wanting to show their excitement for us, I felt it would help to avoid the topic if I shared our current worries. I am so grateful it is regional conference this week so that we don't have to attend our normal ward meetings and answer the many inquiries regarding the adoption. With that said, I don't want to stifle the genuine interest and excitement of those we call friends.