I have always been an avid journal writer. I believe the counsel to keep a regular journal is truly divine counsel. When I first began keeping a blog, my journal writing declined. The solution: I now use the blog as a journal. When I write my personal thoughts that I don't feel should be shared with the general public, I simply save as a draft rather than publishing. To identify these entries, I put in the title (Do Not Publish). Recently I read this entry and thought I would publish it. It is interesting and sad that my big thought two months ago was, "Will I be a good Father" and two months later my thought is "Will I ever be a Father at all?!"
Of course, Sarah and I are still hopeful that Nicole will show up. If she shows up in the next week or so, all should be fine. If she has the baby in Wisconsin, it may be a deal killer. The laws in Wisconsin are horrible for adopting. It amazes me how much I can love this little guy that we have never seen. If the adoption with Nicole does not happen, it will feel like someone has stolen our child. With that said, I honor her right to change her mind, but simply wish she would communicate that with us and end the painful guessing game.
We have so many supportive family members, friends, neighbors and co-workers that are so genuinely interested in how things are going. When they ask about the situation, they immediately feel bad for asking. Please don't worry. We know why you are asking and we know you care. We appreciate your concern. We hope to have good news to share with everyone shortly.
Here is the entry I wrote July 28th:
"28 July 2008
Is it just me, or did anyone else stress at the thought of being a parent? Everything with the adoption seems to be moving forward (knock on wood). As the time draws closer, I can't help but to have feelings of inadequacy. Will I be patient enough? Will I be smart enough? Will I be there enough? I tend to do well at most things, yet most things don't really mean much in the big scheme of things. I think it has been years since I have tried to do well at something. I have become quite complacent to get by on my natural efforts and I fear my natural abilities will not suffice. On a positive note, I have several great examples to follow. Each of these great examples had a sincere desire to be a good parent and a prayer in their hearts to do so. On that fact, I can rest a little easier."
8 comments:
We are all praying for you and Sarah at this time. We love you guys so much and Q yes you will be a great father.
Marque I don´t know your wife very well, but know that you will be a great father and am sure your wife also. A sense of humor goes a long way when you are a parent so you have that on your side! Hang tough (I know easier said than done) I´m sure there are 100´s praying for you guys including us.
I hope you will get the chance very soon to prove to yourself just what a good father you will be.
You guys have watched other parents to see what to add to and what to discard from your parenting repertoir.
Part of it you already know because you already love a baby you have never had in your arms, and you have loved other parent's children. Loving, praying, trying, making mistakes, loving more, and praying more and trying again. That's what it's all about.
Absolutely no question about what a great Dad you will be, and what a great Mom Sarah will be. It will happen, it will!
Love you. Give Sarah a hug for me.
Mom
I think this is a normal thought. I often still think wow I'm the parent. However we still ate ice cream for dinner while mom was away.
You need a license for just about everything in the world but children. Odd. I remember leaving the hospital with Sydney and thinking wow they just let us leave with no check to see if we know anything about children. I clearly remember being in the car and thinking I don't know a darn thing about how to raise a kid and I am 35 and a college graduate.
You'll do fine...
Oh I know you will be great parents... I am sure that Sarah will make up for any of your faults and vice versa, this baby will be so lucky to have both of you.
We have settled in Torrance- do you know much about it? It is a pretty nice area, I was told that if you have to live in LA then Torrance is a good place to live. We like it a lot so far, its five minutes from the beach so I'm not complaining!
I hope for all the best for you and Sarah. My husband and I began the adoption process through LDSFS before we were surprised with the pregnancy of our first daughter. (Fertility issues lead us to believe we wouldn't conceive on our own). We never got as far as a birth mom choosing us (we had to stop right before we had our home study since they wouldn't let us adopt upon becoming pregnant) but our hearts were into the process all the same. It's so much to go through, so much to prove that you will be a good parent with all the paperwork to be filled out and counseling sessions and personal referrals. So much of a person's soul goes into becoming a parent through adoption, before you even receive that bundle of sweetness in your arms. My heart aches for you and Sarah because I know your arms ache for your child. Take care.
Debra
Post a Comment